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Sun, 30 Jul 2006 15:51:31 GMT

I decided to stop using this journal and replace it with a new one.

Sorry for any inconvenience, etc. Well... a bit sorry.

Tara.

x

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 15:45:10 GMT

My myspace seems to have temporarily (I hope) deleted itself. Annoying. I seem to use it more now than I used to. I think it's because I usually have to steal internet access on Glenn's laptop for only a few minutes at a time so I just stick to the one website.

Anyway, I made it back to Prestwick, though it was a bit of a struggle as I was weighed down by a bag full of Kopparberg Pear Cider and Kronenbourg Blanc. We will maybe get drunk with a bit of style for once. Corrie McCall was on the train with me. We didn't talk. I'm not even sure she recognised me. But anyway when I heard her talking on the phone, she sounded like she'd been living in a rough part of Glasgow for about a decade and smoked about 80 cigarettes a day for that period as well. It's weird seeing people from school. If there is ever a reunion or anything like that I will probably just go on a drunken rampage and insult everyone. Sounds like fun really.

I am going to make a big list of things I have to do before I am 20. I stole the idea from Scrubs. Except that JD is 30 and his list was sort of rubbish. Mine will be better.

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 15:13:04 GMT

The lottery machine broke at the Co-op yesterday. So many people were unhappy. I have never felt so hated. All these "deprived young men" were on the verge of stabbing me because they were unable to put on their "lucky dips". Pretty much everyone swore at me, etc. It was depressing.

I find it very difficult to keep my patience sometimes. The customer is quite clearly not always right and, difficult though I am to wind up, I will probably end up getting sacked for yelling at a customer and telling them they're barred, etc. Perhaps even throwing one of the conveniently-placed bottles of spirits at them. Ibrox isn't as bad as I feared it would be, I never really feel unsafe or in danger as such, but I get the feeling that every so often bad things happen there.

I'm nineteen. I must do more general stuff than when I was eighteen. Live more, etc, while I'm still free, young, healthy and have hair. Etc etc etc.

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 13:29:51 GMT

Since I last updated over a week ago I have had only one day off work. I spent it walking around Glasgow on a vain quest for the internet. All the libraries etc were shut though because it was a Sunday so I ended up just walking about for a while with Marc. Had ice cream in Botanic Gardens. As you do. He drank at my flat on Friday as well, taking my total number of visitors to... two.

I think our mice might be dead. We may have barbarically poisoned them to death. It is difficult to tell because they do their best to avoid us anyway. But there is no more mouse shit on our kitchen floor. When I think about it, I feel tremendously guilty. The mice weren't really bothering us beyond a bit of rustling now and again...

But yeah, as I said, I've spent practically all my time working. It's been rubbish, but I must think of the money. You get a lot of "characters" in the ibroxco (Ibrox Co-op). Lots of junkies who try to argue over the price of stuff. Obese mother buying half the world's chocolate for their obese children. The occasional domestic, sometimes involving people who speak a different language. Wee kids who try to steal from the charity bucket. Sometimes it all gets too much and I have to go and hide in the toilets for a while, eg when old couples come in and buy flowers for each other or when old women who can barely walk whose children forgot to buy their shopping come in for tins of prunes. I am still slightly edgy about living and working in such a new, different-from-Prestwick place.

I got birthday cards sent to me today. Hint hint.

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 22:59:43 GMT

I didn't know you could phone the council and get them to come out and kill your mice for you. For free. There is so much to learn about how things work when you're living by yourself...

Today I spoke to Marco on MSN for what must have been the first time since I didn't live with him. It was fine. I worry too much.

I went on a limewire and Yahoo Chess spree as well, since I haven't been able to use them for, like, a year. Connoisseurs of my journal might remember how I talked about the singer from Nouvelle Vague and how sexy she sounds. It turns out there is more than one singer, they just all sound weirdly indistinguishable. The best one is Camille though, she does Too Drunk To Fuck, In A Manner of Speaking and Guns of Brixton. She isn't quite as sexy as she sounds. I should have just left it really...

Hair dye is itchy and smelly. And probably is causing serious damage to my hair. What if I go bald? Like that Kings of Leon song... Eighteeen, baaldiing. Etc.

Anyway, remember to come party on the 28th. And remember the 27th. Get me a present.

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 18:59:37 GMT

It's always weird coming back to Prestwick. I don't know why. I do it every other week really. The train was packed and I had to stand the whole way. These jakey bastards from Drumchapel were trying to fire into these two women from Troon near where I was standing. It was a shame. It was obvious they just were digusted but they tried to be polite and stuff. I felt bad for not being heroic.

Nothing has happened at all. I haven't seen anyone in at least three weeks. Except for the people I like live with. I haven't been drunk in about six weeks. Apparently the 28th is our BIG party type thing. My birthday is the 27th so that works quite nicely. I would suggest everyone coming to Glasgow and going to a club that doesn't completely suck, but it's hard enough getting everyone together as it is. Plus, you might not want to sleep on my floor if you knew that a mouse lives in our kitchen.

Mousetraps don't work. It doesn't take much to trigger a mousetrap, but a mouse is such a small animal that it can eat the cheese without triggering the trap. It has done this several times. Rat poison is probably the next step. I sleep on a mattress on the floor at the moment, until we get around to putting together the rest of the Ikea furniture. The closer you are to the floor in a mouse-infested house, the more terrifying. I have been having nightmares and stuff. Mice are such a weird, irrational thing to be scared of.

I work at the Co-op now. It's ok. We're going on a staff trip paintballing somewhere. One of the guys who works there is bringing a whole load of his ex-army friends with him. They will shoot the shit out of me.

There are lots of foreigners in Ibrox. Which is fair enough, I'm not suggesting it's a bad thing. But one Indian woman went mental at me yesterday for not stapling together her receipts and electric bill or something like that. She didn't bother to learn the English language when she came here, she just learnt the word "fucking".

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 17:39:28 GMT

Watching the news this morning it became clear that I am not the only person who is put off by the grunting of female tennis players. Maria Sharapova refused to stop grunting though. Which is a shame as she is reasonably pretty.

I have an interview at the Co-Op on Friday. This is handy as it's about 30 seconds away from my flat, but when I worked there before they kept pestering me for money they were supposed to have overpayed me. I hope they have forgotten about that.

I fell asleep and left beer in the freezer last night. It is gradually melting in a big pan in the sunshine now. It smells weird, like a homebrew. I think it's because the alcohol melts before the water, so you start off with a big chunk of ice and a wee bit of very strong, smelly alcohol. What does it matter though, really? What a silly thing to talk about.

Nothing exciting has happened.

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 14:52:08 GMT

I am still alive.

The first day we were in our flat was July 1st when there is a huge Orange march thing. It was a bit scary then, people were going about with sectarian flags and bottling each other. But it's been fine since. I've probably just been lucky to spend last year in a ned-free area, I don't think Ibrox is much scarier than Prestwick really.

But anyway. Everything takes so long to sort out. We still need to wait for some furniture to be delivered and for Sky and the internet to be set up and all. I am too impatient really.

I've been watching a lot of daytime TV. Which means tennis mostly. Women's tennis ought to be brilliant but, to be honest, the grunting puts me off. And the muscles.

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 09:30:53 GMT

Quick update before I scurry up to Glasgow to collect my keys. :)

Nothing much has happened. I've played San Andreas for at least 6 hours a day, and waited around for someone to phone me and give me a job. Which they haven't. It's depressing. I suppose it has only been two days though.

My brother is going to work on Belleisle golf course where he'll get paid even more. He already has saved up like £3000 in one year working as a skillseeker and living at home. Whereas I have amassed about £3000 of debt in one year. Perhaps university isn't really the right option...

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 10:52:17 GMT

I am all dolled up and looking employable.

They are discussing ways of hiding bra straps on TV.

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 23:45:29 GMT

Spain are shit.

This computer only has dialup internet, which is annoyingly slow.

Everything else is ok.

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 23:47:37 GMT

I have forgotten what I was going to say.

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 20:39:28 GMT

This has been the most boring weekend in as long as I can remember. Last night was awful.

I did finally get to eat my curry though. It was very nice. Some old drunk women tried to steal it from me at the taxi office. They seemed to think I might want to "snog" them in exchange for giving away my dinner. When I scornfully declined, they became abusive. I needed Nicola there to kill them or something. She could have killed the crazy thirteen year old as well. That would have made last night less awful.

When you get old you shouldnt get drunk though. You just embarrass yourself and any of the innocent bystanders you accost and harass or tell your life story to.

Haha, I am using my sisters comuter, and the keyboard doesnt work. Its annoying, I have been changing what I write to use words that dont include the broken letter.

...

My brother has started to listen to Geek Rock. I wonder how many years it will take him to become cool.

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 16:15:54 GMT

Boogaloo.

I am in the Mitchell Library, Marc's internet haunt. Maybe he will show up here soon. Maybe not. Exciting? Slightly.

I feel better now. Having so much free time is bad, I realised that I spend a huge chunk of it insulting myself. I am constantly worrying about bad things I've done to people. It's ridiculous. Some of the things happened years ago. I think I just need something to worry about. But anyway, on the train up I was looking out the window and thinking positive thoughts etc. It was nice in a way. I feel more confident, etc. Sometimes I randomly feel good and talkative and happy, and other times I feel less so and start talking quietly and not being able to think of stuff to say. It obviously isn't actually random, there must be some reason for it, and so maybe if I spend a few minutes each day just sort of psyching myself up things will improve.

Not that things are bad or anything.

I applied for various jobs today. Surely I will get one of them. I hate having to say how great I am in application forms and interviews and stuff. What are my strengths? It's not a question I feel comfortable answering.

I need to work on interview technique I think. I always assumed it would be a case of "Six Highers? Five As and a B? You're hired" but obviously it's not. I need to work on answering stupid interview questions. And being less nervous.

I think pretending to be confident really would solve the few problems that I have.

So anyway. I hope your day has been nice.

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 10:06:17 GMT

I am bored mindless.

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 15:30:04 GMT

I don't think I will stay in Prestwick all summer after all. I don't think this summer is going to be like last summer or the summer before. I would have to work in somewhere rubbish like Tesco or the Baker's Oven as well, and all the while pay rent for my place in Glasgow even though I wasn't living there.

I think I live in the past a bit too much.

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 17:11:20 GMT

Asda are such bastards. What right have they got to make you go to THREE separate interviews with all sorts of ridiculous questions and tasks just for the chance of earning the minimum wage sitting behind one of their checkouts? It is ridiculous. Clarks were the same. All these stupid processes before you were allowed the honour of touching old women's feet. I feel disgust.

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 12:53:48 GMT

I have decided not to get drunk for a while. Instead I will pretend to be confident. Lol.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift looks like the worst film ever. Well... the worst film since The Omen. But as well as that, in the stupid trailers that are on every 30 seconds, it's funny that despite the film being set in Japan everyone has a gangster American accent.

I am thinking up elaborate, road-less-taken ways of getting rich. The alternative is working in the Baker's Oven or Wellies or the Ramada Jarvis, etc.

Oh yeah, I'm in Prestwick now. Socialise with me. Lots.

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 09:05:23 GMT

I've been trying unsuccessfully to find a picture of the singer from Nouvelle Vague. She sounds sexy.

Poland ruined my World Cup Accumulator of Death on the first day by being really shit.

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 10:30:24 GMT

Wooo! World Cup!

The games all kick off at decent times this year, none of that hearing Ronaldinho score the winner against England on the radio whilst walking to school. And I am old enough to drink and gamble. Go me.

I started packing stuff up last night. It's a bit sad in a way. It's something I'll have to get used to though because, when I was thinking about it, I decided I probably don't want to live in Scotland for the rest of my life. Not even Glasgow, much as I like it here. I am too ambitious/arrogant/etc. Some people are capable of doing "better" things, they just would rather live where their friends and stuff are. I suppose I just wouldn't rather, which is probably quite a bad thing. It's not something I can control, in a way. I can't physically force myself not to think that I am going to do something impressive with my life, just like I couldn't physically force myself to support Jamaica. When I was at primary school, my reports would be full of this ridiculously overblown praise, stuff like how my teachers were sure I would go far and what not. It's fair enough trying to instill confidence in children, but there is confidence and there is over-confidence. Normally life at some point knocks you down to earth, there is usually someone smarter, faster, etc. But every time that happens to me, I just put it down to the fact that I'm either too shy or the fact that I never put any real effort into anything. I'm like "I would be just as good if I worked at it". I am some weird mixture of shyness and arrogance. Which is bad. If you're confident and arrogant, someone will eventually knock it out of you. If you're shy and modest, you don't feel as if you're destined to do great things so it doesn't matter. But if you're shy and arrogant, you can use the shyness to justify the arrogance. If that makes sense.

But whatever. I was only going to talk about the World Cup, there was no real need to start psychoanalysing myself.

Haha, they're already talking about the World Cup on the radio. I don't know how they're going to fill the next six hours...

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 23:17:13 GMT

I can't sleep. I am therefore drinking a night cap. What is my night cap? Two cans of Stella. What a scaff.

Today I did nothing. I waited for someone to offer me a job but nobody did. Perhaps tomorrow. I wish people would be more specific. "I'll phone you on Wednesday" instead of "I'll phone you next week". Perhaps nobody is as control-freakishly organised as me though.

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 17:53:35 GMT

Today the Coffee Police at Botanic Gardens were very busy. Perhaps it isn't the ideal job for me after all.

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 01:30:50 GMT

Haha, Dundonald Boy is moving to Strathclyde Uni next year, according to his bebo thing. For "undisclosed reasons". Yeah right. It is because everyone hates him. That sounds so cruel, but it's not. Some people not only refuse to meet you halfway, they almost seem to do their best to make you not like them.

I can't sleep. I have been trying to write songs. I can't do it though. I think it's because I'm too much of a perfectionist. I want to write stuff where everything rhymes nicely and fits together rhythmically and is not even slightly pretentious, but which still has an obvious meaning/story and every single line is part of this meaning/story, which itself is preferably one that nobody else has written anything similar about before. And then somehow forge this with interesting, catchy music. Obviously I'm not actually good enough to do this.

But then, I suppose there are loads of bands and people who write really crap lyrics/songs and still become hugely famous. And people sing along with all sorts of absolute bollocks without paying much attention to the actual words they're singing, or still like songs which are quite boring because they have amazing lyrics.

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 13:48:07 GMT

I just slept for about thirteen hours. I feel brilliant. It's just a shame I have nothing to do today.

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 00:32:29 GMT

Me and Marc thought we were hardcore because we drank like a bottle of vodka each and various cans of beer and stuff. I thought my uni binge drinking might have started to pay off. Kind of going to the gym, only sort of the opposite. Then we realised the vodka was Imperial vodka, which is only like 20% or something. We walked around Prestwick with Nicola and her guitar. It was just like the old days, before we could reliably get in to or afford to go to pubs.

Life is not quite perfect, but it's quite close. I have difficulty thinking up things about my life I would want to change. Which is nice.